Tick tock

Tick tock
Goes the biological clock
Tick tick tick
Tock tock tock

What's that old rhyme?
First comes love
Then comes marriage
Then comes the baby in the baby carriage

Well where's my love?
Where's my marriage?
Cos I'm starting to want that baby in the carriage

My last scare wasn't scary
I knew the line needed to be single
But oh how disappointed I was

I wake up from my dreams
Sad they had to end
Even if it wasn't "perfect"
It still was a happy feeling in there
In my dream

Tick tock
Tick tock
Can't stop the clock
Can't stop the clock

What did I do?

Pidgin for MSN says he doesn't have me added.
I want to know why
Did I do something?
Say something?
Not do or say something?

I'm racking my brain
And I honestly can't think of anything
That would cause him to delete me.

Maybe it was a mistake.
He didn't remove me from Facebook
As far as I can tell, anyway.

What did I do?

Unrequited

Almost makes me want to cry
Who am I kidding?
I do want to cry
But for some reason the tears won't come
The ache inside is there
Laughing at me
Because it won't let me go

On one hand
All that matters is his happiness
Because I care about him so much

On the other hand
Why can't it be me
Who makes him happy?

Sure, there are no wedding bells
Sure, there's only been one date
With me there have been more
But only in the friendship sense
Even though there have been more-than-friendship-touches

I wish, I wish, I wish...
But wishing won't make it come true.

All I can do is wait and hope and live my life in the meantime
And try to remember
That if it is meant to be it will be
And try to believe it

Even though it sounds so trite and hollow

Cougar

I made plans last night
To become someone's belt notch
Twice over
Big, older

He'll be my belt notch
Younger
By far.

I lost my cherry
Before he hit the age
Where BO becomes evident in young boys
Before he knew what sex was
Girls had cooties
And Spongebob Squarepants had just debuted

This should be pretty damn fun

If only

If he said the word, I would be his.
I would be the best girlfriend in the world for him.
I would love love love him.
I already love him, but there would be more love, different love.

We've kissed.
We've hugged.
We've groped.
We've...gone farther but not far.

If it isn't to happen, if we aren't to be,
I will live
I will love
And I will continue to have him in my life
Hopefully forever
Because I do love him
Even if I will love someone else
I will always love him

Hunger

I have a hunger in my belly...yes, partly for food as it is 5pm and I've yet to eat...though I didn't get out of bed until close to 3...

But the hunger is more one of wanting to feel close to someone. So close you can read their minds just by looking in their eyes.

I want to be held.
I want to be kissed.
I want to walk down the street hand in hand with someone I love, who loves me back.
I want to make him dinner.
I want him to make me breakfast.
I want to make love together on a rainy morning.

I've been alone far too long, in my opinion. I'm ready for that 'something more'.

Sinking

Depression
Sometimes it's situational
Sometimes it goes away
Sometimes it stays longer than you want
(Although, who really wants it in the first place?)

I thought this bout was situational
Based on the two months of nothingness
Perhaps a half dozen times of outings
NOT doctor related
Based on the two months of pain and sickness
Interspersed with feelings of physical well-being
Which were oh so brief

Needles sticking me
Drawing blood
Leaving bruises

Needles sticking me
Inserting little tubes
Tubes to deliver fluids
Some good, that were healing
Some bad that almost killed me

Veins taking the punishment
Until they broke down

Then more needles
Trying to find runaway vessels
To push more good liquid
The best ones
Made me forget the pain
Gave me relief
If only for a little while

So many pokes
So many piercing of skin
So many veins brutalized
Until they rebelled
Said NO MORE
And left me with an infection
That required all remaining pokes
To be in the hand
In the arm
That does everything with grace
Leaving the clumsy arm and hand
To do the work
Made more difficult because of the ache
From that infection

But I digress
This isn't about all those things
Those things are over
The bruises are gone
All that is left are a few more tiny scars
And the memory

This is about how I feel now
And how I feel now isn't all that great
I should be feeling better
I am home
I am relieved of the organ
That caused all the drama

Incisions almost fully healed
Going back to work
Able to be on my own

There is a heaviness to the air
A feeling of being imprisoned
Of being chained to imaginary walls

I want to sleep
But sleep scares me

If I sleep, I will have to wake up
And face this all again
If I don't sleep
It will continue
But it will be the same
And maybe I can deal with it better

I know that's not true
But the hope is real
If misguided

I will sleep
Not soundly
I will awake
Barely rested

I will go through the motions
Lather, rinse, repeat

Every day is a new day
Full of possibilities
But the probability
Is that I will do what I always do
Scared to change
Even though I hate where I am
What I am
Who I am

Lather, rinse, repeat.