Sinking

Depression
Sometimes it's situational
Sometimes it goes away
Sometimes it stays longer than you want
(Although, who really wants it in the first place?)

I thought this bout was situational
Based on the two months of nothingness
Perhaps a half dozen times of outings
NOT doctor related
Based on the two months of pain and sickness
Interspersed with feelings of physical well-being
Which were oh so brief

Needles sticking me
Drawing blood
Leaving bruises

Needles sticking me
Inserting little tubes
Tubes to deliver fluids
Some good, that were healing
Some bad that almost killed me

Veins taking the punishment
Until they broke down

Then more needles
Trying to find runaway vessels
To push more good liquid
The best ones
Made me forget the pain
Gave me relief
If only for a little while

So many pokes
So many piercing of skin
So many veins brutalized
Until they rebelled
Said NO MORE
And left me with an infection
That required all remaining pokes
To be in the hand
In the arm
That does everything with grace
Leaving the clumsy arm and hand
To do the work
Made more difficult because of the ache
From that infection

But I digress
This isn't about all those things
Those things are over
The bruises are gone
All that is left are a few more tiny scars
And the memory

This is about how I feel now
And how I feel now isn't all that great
I should be feeling better
I am home
I am relieved of the organ
That caused all the drama

Incisions almost fully healed
Going back to work
Able to be on my own

There is a heaviness to the air
A feeling of being imprisoned
Of being chained to imaginary walls

I want to sleep
But sleep scares me

If I sleep, I will have to wake up
And face this all again
If I don't sleep
It will continue
But it will be the same
And maybe I can deal with it better

I know that's not true
But the hope is real
If misguided

I will sleep
Not soundly
I will awake
Barely rested

I will go through the motions
Lather, rinse, repeat

Every day is a new day
Full of possibilities
But the probability
Is that I will do what I always do
Scared to change
Even though I hate where I am
What I am
Who I am

Lather, rinse, repeat.