If only

If he said the word, I would be his.
I would be the best girlfriend in the world for him.
I would love love love him.
I already love him, but there would be more love, different love.

We've kissed.
We've hugged.
We've groped.
We've...gone farther but not far.

If it isn't to happen, if we aren't to be,
I will live
I will love
And I will continue to have him in my life
Hopefully forever
Because I do love him
Even if I will love someone else
I will always love him

Hunger

I have a hunger in my belly...yes, partly for food as it is 5pm and I've yet to eat...though I didn't get out of bed until close to 3...

But the hunger is more one of wanting to feel close to someone. So close you can read their minds just by looking in their eyes.

I want to be held.
I want to be kissed.
I want to walk down the street hand in hand with someone I love, who loves me back.
I want to make him dinner.
I want him to make me breakfast.
I want to make love together on a rainy morning.

I've been alone far too long, in my opinion. I'm ready for that 'something more'.

Sinking

Depression
Sometimes it's situational
Sometimes it goes away
Sometimes it stays longer than you want
(Although, who really wants it in the first place?)

I thought this bout was situational
Based on the two months of nothingness
Perhaps a half dozen times of outings
NOT doctor related
Based on the two months of pain and sickness
Interspersed with feelings of physical well-being
Which were oh so brief

Needles sticking me
Drawing blood
Leaving bruises

Needles sticking me
Inserting little tubes
Tubes to deliver fluids
Some good, that were healing
Some bad that almost killed me

Veins taking the punishment
Until they broke down

Then more needles
Trying to find runaway vessels
To push more good liquid
The best ones
Made me forget the pain
Gave me relief
If only for a little while

So many pokes
So many piercing of skin
So many veins brutalized
Until they rebelled
Said NO MORE
And left me with an infection
That required all remaining pokes
To be in the hand
In the arm
That does everything with grace
Leaving the clumsy arm and hand
To do the work
Made more difficult because of the ache
From that infection

But I digress
This isn't about all those things
Those things are over
The bruises are gone
All that is left are a few more tiny scars
And the memory

This is about how I feel now
And how I feel now isn't all that great
I should be feeling better
I am home
I am relieved of the organ
That caused all the drama

Incisions almost fully healed
Going back to work
Able to be on my own

There is a heaviness to the air
A feeling of being imprisoned
Of being chained to imaginary walls

I want to sleep
But sleep scares me

If I sleep, I will have to wake up
And face this all again
If I don't sleep
It will continue
But it will be the same
And maybe I can deal with it better

I know that's not true
But the hope is real
If misguided

I will sleep
Not soundly
I will awake
Barely rested

I will go through the motions
Lather, rinse, repeat

Every day is a new day
Full of possibilities
But the probability
Is that I will do what I always do
Scared to change
Even though I hate where I am
What I am
Who I am

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Oxymoron

I am feeling happily sad today
Contentedly melancholic
Not depressed, not manic, but not normal either
If I were feeling better physically
And if the weather was a bit warmer
I would head out to one of my favourite spots -
English Bay -
And just sit and people watch
And drink a cup of tea
And think
And not think

Just be.

That's what I like best
No expectations
No hesitations
No judgments
No hurry
No worry

I'm feeling very un-monkey-like today
I almost like it

Bite Me

that's what he did last night
and it was good
so good
unbelievably good

i was worried that i would have marks on my skin
bruises
that my mom
and everyone
and tomorrow night's date
would be able to see

thankfully my skin didn't bruise
but when i touch certain spots on my neck
i can feel the bites
and it feels
so
good

Floating Into Nowhere

Let me go crazy
Just release and fly away
Floating into nowhere
Flying through the day

Blow me off a mountain
Kissed by a gentle breeze
Floating into nowhere
Higher than the trees

Take me to the ocean
Drown me in the sea
Float me out to nowhere
Set my spirit free

Let me go crazy
Just give me one day
To float into nowhere
To fly myself away

He Was Poetry

A black man, dressed all in black
With a black hat and black shoes
And a pouty mouth
That shows his pink-red lip inside
Just got on the bus.
He made me think of you -
Not because you're black
Or dress all in black
With a black hat and black shoes
Or because you have a pouty mouth
That shows your pink-red lip
But because he was poetry,
And that reminds me of you.

Pain

I hate watching you
Watch me
With those eyes boring into
My skull
My heart
My soul
Time enough to stand still
I've gone crazy over you
Goodnight
Good luck

written late '06/early '07

hit me with your best shot

it's been almost two weeks since i had my gall bladder dug out.

remember how i said 'i'm the girl who if something *could* happen it will'?

Yeah. it did.

there were some sort of complications which meant uber pain when i woke up. usually patients with this surgery go home after 4-8hrs after waking up. I came home on day 4...well, i went to my mom's house. i still needed someone there 24/7 cos i had my whole drain thing still in.

drain out on day 8. yay! went home that night.

then my stapled areas started feeling hot...and uncomfortable...and painful.

i went to the doctor's today and he was shocked that the home nurses told me to leave the sites uncovered (even the drain site - i was told to take the bandage off after 24hrs). he said until the staples were out they should be covered...and that i had surfacial infections...and i have to now put polysporin on them at least twice a day and re-bandage them. blah.

well. i'm getting closer everyday to the big Three Oh. i s'pose the world and my body are contriving new ways to fuck with me until then.

what's next?
am i gonna get hit by lightning but survive with a new Don Ho hairdo and a perma-tan?
bit by some poisonous spider and have a giant chunk of skin rot off and leave a hole-scar?
accidentally buy 'counterfit' toothpaste made in China and get lead poisoning?

whatever.

on the plus side, i bought apple cinnamon rice krispies today. and a new square baking pan! i just might finally bake that carrot cake tomorrow!